Resetting My OUTitutde

The last two weeks have been a wild ride, to be sure. A fever and headache that lasted for days sent me to the Emergency Room, where there was no clear diagnosis; instead, just a suspicion that I contracted some sort of illness from my recent travels to Guatemala. Thankfully, the fever broke a day later, but a new symptom – abdominal pain – reared its head, sending me back to the ER. On that visit, a CT scan revealed a perforated appendix, which sent me immediately to an Operating Room to get the little bugger OUT! A few days were spent in the hospital following surgery to make sure I was stable and that everything was working the way it should.

I’ve been out of the hospital for six days at this point, and I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to reflect on my experience. Here’s a bit of what I’ve learned:

1. Major surgery is a big deal. This is obvious, right? And it’s something that was talked about a lot during pastoral care classes in seminary. But it’s one thing to learn about it and hear someone talk about it; it’s something completely different to experience it first-hand. I hope that I’ve been sympathetic to people who have lamented to me about their surgery, or about how staying in a hospital – no matter how good the food – is a pretty miserable experience. But now I’ve been there. I’ve been the guy in the hospital bed. And, while I felt well cared for by doctors and nurses and hospital staff, I was eager to get outta there!
2. The best pastors are the ones who’ve been hurt. This was a quote that I remember hearing from a parishioner while I was serving in Albuquerque. I was quite young (only 27 years old) when I started my career and call as a pastor, and the person who said this was not being malicious in any way. Instead, he was trying to help me put things in perspective. After a particularly difficult span of time in our family’s life, I felt emotionally and spiritually wrecked. But this parishioner helped by being calm, walking alongside me in my distress, and helping me to the other side of the crisis. And from the other side of the crisis, I understood what he meant. I suppose that now I can hope that this experience of having unexpected major surgery will help me to serve people better, too.
3. Prayer works… somehow. I admit that prayer is still a bit of a mystery to me. I don’t like the idea, theologically speaking, of a God who will only act to help a person because he or she (or others) pray specifically for that purpose. That feels too much like what I call a “Slot Machine God,” where I have only to say the right things and pull the right levers, and then God has no choice but to comply. And yet, I cannot deny the fact that prayer works! I’ve been on the receiving end of these prayers in multiple instances, and I am always astounded how much the intentional prayers of support and love help. I can feel it in my spirit. And I’m grateful.
4. I’ve still got some recovering to do. Now, eight days after surgery, I feel pretty good! But I’ve learned the hard way that I have to take it slow still. There still comes a point every day when I feel like I’ve hit a wall, and no amount of willpower can keep me from falling asleep. This is admittedly frustrating for me. I don’t like the fact that I can’t do everything that I want when I want. So, I’ve had to adjust my OUTitude a bit… that is, I have had to adjust my expectations for myself when I’m out and about. I’ve had to be gracious and forgiving when I have to say “no” to things, or when I’ve had to intentionally pass on an activity because I know it will take too much of a toll. This is all getting better each day, but it’s a much slower process than I’d like.

All that said, I am happy to be back in the office even for a little bit each day, and I’m eager to get back to worship in-person. (Online worship is just not the same for me!) In the meantime, I am so grateful for your prayers and love. This truly is an amazing community of faith, and I am blessed to be a part of it with you!

Pastor Tim